If you are here for the photos, check out the March 2014 and Madelyn Joy Newborn albums on the Shutterfly share site. Just click here!
Dear Madelyn,
You are finally here with us. Not someone we wish for or wonder about, but right here with us. This is your story. Your big sisters have a whole book about how we waited for them and I want you to know we waited for you the same way and looked forward to your birthday with so much joy. I know I didn't take the weekly photos or write every week like I did with them, but I still sang to you and talked to you and read about how big you were or what you were doing in there every week. I still liked the feeling of always having you with me and sometimes, I would just sit quietly and feel you wiggle. I tried to eat healthy for you and wanted you to know I'm really sorry about all the marshmallows. I mean ALL the marshmallows. Maybe that's why you are such a sweet girl now.
Your story really begins the day I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, but held so much fear. I had just watched two close friends go through two consecutive miscarriages each and I was scared. Scared of losing you even though I just found out you were there. One of them told me, "You don't know what will happen tomorrow, but you are pregnant today and you can be happy today." Looking back, that is one reason I love that your middle name is Joy.
When I first saw you, just a little bean of a baby, on the seven week ultrasound I remember thinking, "Here I go again!" It's the strangest feeling to give your heart to a tiny black and white smudgy looking thing on an ultrasound picture, but it happens. I knew I would think about, worry about, and pray for you every single day for the rest of my life. At 20 weeks, I was so excited and surprised to find out you were a girl, but mostly relieved that the ultrasound showed a healthy baby. I'm sorry I thought you were a boy. I just didn't think I'd ever be lucky enough to get another little girl. When I was much younger, I used to wonder what I'd do if I never had a little girl.
You were growing during the winter that would not end and I felt like I was having the pregnancy that would not end. The days seemed to get longer and LONGER the closer I got to that 40 week mark. Grandma found a good deal on a plane ticket and came two days before your due date. We were all having a hard time waiting. Because she was here, I was able to move my doctor appointment up and asked the doctor to strip my membranes when he checked me. Only a few hours afterward, I remember sitting in the parking lot at Jo-Ann'a Fabrics thinking, "I am going to be going to the hospital before morning." That night, I went to bed knowing it was only a matter of time. I woke up several times, but by 4:00 am, I knew it was time. I walked laps around the kitchen island and packed up the rest of the bags. At 5:00, I woke your daddy and grandma up and told them we were going.
A nurse named Anna started me on monitors right away. Julia and Emily each have a baby doll they call Anna which is why I will always remember her name. She said she didn't like what they were seeing on the monitors since you weren't having much variation in your heart rate. I had to drink a bunch of water and orange juice (you always went crazy when I ate oranges) and lay on my side. It got better, but they still wouldn't let me walk which is what the doctor wanted to help labor along. They were concerned that your cord was being compromised or that you had already had a bowl movement inside.
They wheeled me to the room we'd stay in and where you'd be born. A nice nurse named Sue started taking care of us there. The doctor came in and broke my water about 8:15am. Everyone was happy to see that it was clear so we knew you hadn't already pooped inside. The nurse explained that sometimes the heart rate problems we were seeing got better after the water as broken and sometimes worse depending on where the cord was inside. It seemed to be ok for now, so everyone was happy. I told her we'd have a baby by lunchtime and she didn't look like she believed me, but said that plan worked for her!
It was not long at all before the contractions got REALLY bad and there wasn't really breaks between them. Around 10:00, my favorite man in the whole place showed up…the epidural man! It was the same doctor who was there when your sisters were born. He's always so calm and relaxed, he must know he's everyone's favorite. I soon felt relief and told the nurse I felt like a wimp for crying epidural so fast, but she said I was already at 7 cm. This was going to be a fast labor! I felt like I barely had time to enjoy the sweet relief when the nurse suddenly jumped up and sounded like she was trying to be calm, but not being very convincing. She put an oxygen mask on and turned me on my side and called the doctor. More nurses seems to just appear out of nowhere. I knew it was not good when the doctor actually came and I wasn't ready to push. Doctors only like to show up to catch the baby and then be on their way.
We could hear your little heart pumping away and then it would suddenly drop way down and beat so, so slowly. Listening to it, it seemed like it was going to just stop after any beat. It would last 1-2 minutes and I would gulp down the oxygen and pray. I could hear Daddy and other people in the room say softly under their breath, "Come on, baby" as they watched the monitors and listed to the slow beating. Daddy kept asking if I was ok because every time I closed my eyes to pray, he thought I was passing out. I didn't know that he could see on the monitors that my blood pressure and heart rate were falling with yours. I tried to focus on what I could do. Pray, breathe as much of that oxygen in for you, relax my body, and do anything the doctor and nurses told me to do. So that's what I did.
More people flooded into the room as it got time to deliver. I saw a NICU doctor and nurse some in and even though no one told me who they were. My first thought was "Get out of my room!" because I knew it meant that everyone was concerned about you. Even though the doctor tried very hard to tell us he was not concerned, because your heart rate would go back up after a contraction, this many people did not fill a hospital room when there was nothing to be concerned about. Nurses seemed to come out of everywhere, one held a vacuum tool they put on your head to help you get out faster while I pushed as hard as I could. Everyone seemed to be cheering you out. "Down and through! Down and through!" "That's it!" "Yes, yes, yes!" "Keep going, keep going!"
In only five contractions, you were out and when you cried, I cried. They held you up for a second and then you went straight to the NICU doctor and nurse over on the little warmer bed. Daddy followed you right over there and wiped his eyes as he looked at you for the first time. It wasn't long before the NICU team slipped out and the nurse said, "They left already! That's a good sign!" My doctor talked to me at that point, but I don't remember anything he said while I wiped my eyes. I just remember that he was a big tough, football player type of guy, but the look on his face was all relief and compassion.
A nurse weighed and measured you and then finally put you on my chest so I could kiss your chubby cheeks. You looked so pale, but the nurses said that they weren't worried because your mouth and lips were nice and pink. You laid with me and fussed off and on. Poor girl. Your very first birthday was not so nice to you. Daddy and I talked right away, what would your middle name be? We had Joy picked out a long time ago, but daddy wasn't always sold on it and just the night before we were both leaning toward another name. Daddy said he thought it should be joy, because that's what we felt after you were born. We'd hoped and prayed for you to be alright, and here you were. Beautiful and healthy…our joy.
Nurses kept trying to take you to do some of the regular newborn tests, but I didn't want to let you go. They got a little more insistent and I was not going to let them take you without you being held by your daddy, who was waiting NOT so patiently to get you in his arms. There we were. The three of us. I first thought I couldn't wait for all that was to come, but remembered it will go too fast. So as excited as I was to show you off to everyone, I was happy to have it be just us right then.
Early in the evening, grandma brought Julia & Emily to see you. It was love at first sight for them. Grandma was taking pictures and had to stop because her eyes were too blurry with tears. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. They were so excited, but still very quiet and gentle with you. They just wanted to look at you, kiss, and hold you. The only way to describe watching them with you was love. It was just love.
So baby girl, this is your story. But it's just the beginning. Daddy and I'll be here to teach and guide you, but much too soon for us, it will be all yours to write. Fill it with people who lift you up and make you a better person. Fill it full of love and joy and faith and happiness. Make it great, sweet girl. You are greatly loved.
Love,
Mommy
When I first saw you, just a little bean of a baby, on the seven week ultrasound I remember thinking, "Here I go again!" It's the strangest feeling to give your heart to a tiny black and white smudgy looking thing on an ultrasound picture, but it happens. I knew I would think about, worry about, and pray for you every single day for the rest of my life. At 20 weeks, I was so excited and surprised to find out you were a girl, but mostly relieved that the ultrasound showed a healthy baby. I'm sorry I thought you were a boy. I just didn't think I'd ever be lucky enough to get another little girl. When I was much younger, I used to wonder what I'd do if I never had a little girl.
You were growing during the winter that would not end and I felt like I was having the pregnancy that would not end. The days seemed to get longer and LONGER the closer I got to that 40 week mark. Grandma found a good deal on a plane ticket and came two days before your due date. We were all having a hard time waiting. Because she was here, I was able to move my doctor appointment up and asked the doctor to strip my membranes when he checked me. Only a few hours afterward, I remember sitting in the parking lot at Jo-Ann'a Fabrics thinking, "I am going to be going to the hospital before morning." That night, I went to bed knowing it was only a matter of time. I woke up several times, but by 4:00 am, I knew it was time. I walked laps around the kitchen island and packed up the rest of the bags. At 5:00, I woke your daddy and grandma up and told them we were going.
A nurse named Anna started me on monitors right away. Julia and Emily each have a baby doll they call Anna which is why I will always remember her name. She said she didn't like what they were seeing on the monitors since you weren't having much variation in your heart rate. I had to drink a bunch of water and orange juice (you always went crazy when I ate oranges) and lay on my side. It got better, but they still wouldn't let me walk which is what the doctor wanted to help labor along. They were concerned that your cord was being compromised or that you had already had a bowl movement inside.
They wheeled me to the room we'd stay in and where you'd be born. A nice nurse named Sue started taking care of us there. The doctor came in and broke my water about 8:15am. Everyone was happy to see that it was clear so we knew you hadn't already pooped inside. The nurse explained that sometimes the heart rate problems we were seeing got better after the water as broken and sometimes worse depending on where the cord was inside. It seemed to be ok for now, so everyone was happy. I told her we'd have a baby by lunchtime and she didn't look like she believed me, but said that plan worked for her!
It was not long at all before the contractions got REALLY bad and there wasn't really breaks between them. Around 10:00, my favorite man in the whole place showed up…the epidural man! It was the same doctor who was there when your sisters were born. He's always so calm and relaxed, he must know he's everyone's favorite. I soon felt relief and told the nurse I felt like a wimp for crying epidural so fast, but she said I was already at 7 cm. This was going to be a fast labor! I felt like I barely had time to enjoy the sweet relief when the nurse suddenly jumped up and sounded like she was trying to be calm, but not being very convincing. She put an oxygen mask on and turned me on my side and called the doctor. More nurses seems to just appear out of nowhere. I knew it was not good when the doctor actually came and I wasn't ready to push. Doctors only like to show up to catch the baby and then be on their way.
We could hear your little heart pumping away and then it would suddenly drop way down and beat so, so slowly. Listening to it, it seemed like it was going to just stop after any beat. It would last 1-2 minutes and I would gulp down the oxygen and pray. I could hear Daddy and other people in the room say softly under their breath, "Come on, baby" as they watched the monitors and listed to the slow beating. Daddy kept asking if I was ok because every time I closed my eyes to pray, he thought I was passing out. I didn't know that he could see on the monitors that my blood pressure and heart rate were falling with yours. I tried to focus on what I could do. Pray, breathe as much of that oxygen in for you, relax my body, and do anything the doctor and nurses told me to do. So that's what I did.
More people flooded into the room as it got time to deliver. I saw a NICU doctor and nurse some in and even though no one told me who they were. My first thought was "Get out of my room!" because I knew it meant that everyone was concerned about you. Even though the doctor tried very hard to tell us he was not concerned, because your heart rate would go back up after a contraction, this many people did not fill a hospital room when there was nothing to be concerned about. Nurses seemed to come out of everywhere, one held a vacuum tool they put on your head to help you get out faster while I pushed as hard as I could. Everyone seemed to be cheering you out. "Down and through! Down and through!" "That's it!" "Yes, yes, yes!" "Keep going, keep going!"
In only five contractions, you were out and when you cried, I cried. They held you up for a second and then you went straight to the NICU doctor and nurse over on the little warmer bed. Daddy followed you right over there and wiped his eyes as he looked at you for the first time. It wasn't long before the NICU team slipped out and the nurse said, "They left already! That's a good sign!" My doctor talked to me at that point, but I don't remember anything he said while I wiped my eyes. I just remember that he was a big tough, football player type of guy, but the look on his face was all relief and compassion.
A nurse weighed and measured you and then finally put you on my chest so I could kiss your chubby cheeks. You looked so pale, but the nurses said that they weren't worried because your mouth and lips were nice and pink. You laid with me and fussed off and on. Poor girl. Your very first birthday was not so nice to you. Daddy and I talked right away, what would your middle name be? We had Joy picked out a long time ago, but daddy wasn't always sold on it and just the night before we were both leaning toward another name. Daddy said he thought it should be joy, because that's what we felt after you were born. We'd hoped and prayed for you to be alright, and here you were. Beautiful and healthy…our joy.
Nurses kept trying to take you to do some of the regular newborn tests, but I didn't want to let you go. They got a little more insistent and I was not going to let them take you without you being held by your daddy, who was waiting NOT so patiently to get you in his arms. There we were. The three of us. I first thought I couldn't wait for all that was to come, but remembered it will go too fast. So as excited as I was to show you off to everyone, I was happy to have it be just us right then.
Early in the evening, grandma brought Julia & Emily to see you. It was love at first sight for them. Grandma was taking pictures and had to stop because her eyes were too blurry with tears. It was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. They were so excited, but still very quiet and gentle with you. They just wanted to look at you, kiss, and hold you. The only way to describe watching them with you was love. It was just love.
So baby girl, this is your story. But it's just the beginning. Daddy and I'll be here to teach and guide you, but much too soon for us, it will be all yours to write. Fill it with people who lift you up and make you a better person. Fill it full of love and joy and faith and happiness. Make it great, sweet girl. You are greatly loved.
Love,
Mommy
LOVE! Congrats again!!!
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