I used to just think "Please go back to sleep. PLEASE!" when I would wake up to Julia's cries in the middle of the night. Now, my still sleeping mind says, "Go to her. Go to your crying child for all the parents who can't." I can't imagine their nights. They must be far too long and much too quiet. I've had dreams where someone dies and have those agonizing seconds when you are still between wake and sleep while your very soul pleads, "Please God, don't let it be real!" Then I wake up all the way and assure myself over and over again it really was just a dream.
For 28 families, it was real. When that realization hits, they know they have to find a way to keep breathing in and out. Second by second, minute by minute, they have to figure out a way to get through another day with part of their heart missing. This past week, my heart has been broken for those loved ones. It has been hard to be present with my own babies, thinking about those little ones lost. My breath would catch just seeing stockings on the mantle with Julia and Emily embroidered across the top. I couldn't help but think about the ones hanging in Newtown homes reading names lovingly chosen 6 or 7 years ago across the tops. As I close the girls' door at bedtimes, I think of the empty beds and bedroom doors that may be closed for a long time because no one can bear to look inside. As a teacher, it's hard to think about. As a parent, it's unthinkable.
If they were my babies, I'd want the whole world to know they were here and how they made life beautiful. So I've read their stories and marveled at their 6 and 7 year old selves. I know their names and their faces. I know how Jessica loved horses and Noah wanted to be a doctor or a taco factory manager. Allison loved art and turned her room into her studio. Daniel dreamed of being a firefighter one day and James liked helping his dad with yard work. Olivia led her family in saying grace each night. Emilie. She's the one who really got me. The blonde haired, blue-eyed little girl with a shy smile and the gift of compassion. I feel like I know her in the little Emily who lives at my house. For just a second, my mind goes to the place her mom might be now. It's too much.
Like many Americans, this tragedy leaves me in a whirlpool of disbelief, despair, fear, and anger. It was the words of another teacher-turned-mom-blogger that pulled me out. Especially when she wrote, "There are questions to be answered, issues to be discussed, concerns to be addressed. Yes, we can do more. But we will always be vulnerable. We are always at risk of losing what we love. And the only way to soften that pain is to keep loving."
There is a sign that's been photographed in Newtown reading, "Love will get us through." It will because God IS love. No matter what happens in life, we need to keep loving, keep seeking joy, keep helping others, and keep striving to live as Christ taught us. There is so much I don't know and can't change. What I do know is that God loves His children and prayer is both real and powerful. I plan on praying for the loved ones daily from now on. I know prayers for the people of Newtown will be felt and will lead them toward healing, hope and peace. This is what I know. This is my light. I'm stepping forward.
"Don't be discouraged by your incapacity to dispel darkness from the world.
Light your candle and step forward." - Amma
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5
Light your candle and step forward." - Amma
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5
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Here are some videos from the past month. I hope they make you smile.
New photos are also up. Just click here.
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