Honesty

At 35 and a half weeks, the question I get most often is "How are you feeling?"  The answer is always the same.

Tired.

Tired from not sleeping.  Tired of having a dirty house.  Tired of being completely spent by 4pm each day.  Tired of Barry having to work overtime.  Tired of Emily being a stinker at nap time when I just need a break.  Tired of cleaning up when Julia decides that playing was just too important to stop and go potty.  Mostly, I'm tired of being in pain a lot of the time.

What I'm not tired of is feeling this little girl wiggle and hiccup.  Sometimes, it feels like she's trying to walk in there.  She's a good baby, always wiggling around so I don't often worry about her being ok.  I don't get tired of the girls insisting her first name is baby and her middle name is girl or sister.  They even love to spell her "name" usually with an extra "b" or two added.  "B-A-B-B-Y!"   I don't get tired of catching my shadow and seeing how she's changed it.  I'm not tired of getting her room all ready, making it more real that she will be here with us soon.

If I'm really being honest, I'm feeling a lot more than tired.  I'm excited to finally see her, hold her, and see her with her sisters.  I can't wait to show her to the world and use the name we so carefully picked out.

I'm scared.  Scared of the all the unknowns that come with birth.  Scared when I hear stories of how things go horribly wrong for other moms or babies.  Scared of how tired I'll be trying to keep up with three kids on my own.

I'm nervous about leaving the girls to be in the hospital.  I wonder how they will do with naps and nighttime when I'm not there and always have been.  I'm nervous about how they will feel and hope it's only excited and special, instead of replaced or abandoned.

With Julia's heart test coming back just fine and having every reason to believe our little girl will be perfectly healthy, I know that all theses worries are just that, worries.  Worries stealing my joy and casting a shadow over all the excitement.  Joy and excitement are what this baby deserves to have leading up to her birth.  I will choose to trust that we will figure it all out as the time comes.  Today, I will choose joy.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

 Romans 15:13

Click here for maternity photos.

Here are January photos.